Crazy Days in Wei
by TotallyNuts
Summary: The madness and insanity of daily life in Wei! Follow the generals as they get up to all kinds of crazy adventures! (Collaboration with WindsOfEternity)
1. Mirror Mirror

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything to do with Koei or Dynasty Warriors... so leave me alone!

A/N: Yes, this is the next instalment in the series! Crazy Days in Wei! And fear nor for I'm not abandoning Crazy Days in Wu, of course not! I love that fic with my heart and soul... it's my baby! (Oh the soppiness :P) Anyway, this is a collaboration with my good friend WindsOfEternity. She;s a fellow DW author! We'll be taking a chapter each, starting with me. Some chapters we'll be doing together so don't worry if a chapter has some British and some American spellings. I'll try and make sure it's consistent for you all! So without any further ado, WindsOfEternity and I present to you, CRAZY DAYS IN WEI! Enjoy!

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**Chapter 1: Mirror Mirror**

Dian Wei sighed as he cradled the last of his hair in his right hand. It was the last sign that once he was the proud owner of a full head of luscious hair. As the years passed his hair began to thin, and more recently drop out. But today it was all gone. He was officially what he knew he'd become… bald.

He held on tightly to the few strands of light brown hair in his hand and glanced up into one of the Wei castle's many elaborate golden mirrors. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall," he began to say to it, "who is the baldest of them all?"

"Don't feel so bad Dian Wei! Baldness isn't the end of the world…"

"Huh?" Dian Wei took a look around but he couldn't see anyone there. "Who said that?"

"You don't remember me? Look in the mirror!"

Dian Wei took a look in the mirror and was completely lost for words when he saw the recently deceased Wei advisor Guo Jia's face appear. He looked just as he was before he had fallen gravely ill, but why was he in a mirror? Was he some kind of ghost?

"Guo Jia! What are you doing here?"

"Ha!" replied the apparition. "I'm here to help you guys! I'm still Cao Cao's trusted advisor, and to be honest, I think the place would fall apart without me here! Do you guys miss me at all?"

"Of course!" Dian Wei replied, lying through his teeth. Cao Cao showed minimal signs of mourning, instead immediately hiring a new advisor; it had taken Zhang Liao three days to even notice that Guo Jia was gone; and when asked about Guo Jia's death Xu Zhu simply replied "Who?"

"That's great!" Jia replied cheerily. "So you have a problem with baldness? Let me assure you that it's not a bad thing…"

"How? How is it not a bad thing?"

"Well you don't have to spend time in the morning worrying about how neat and tidy it is. Believe me I've appeared unknowingly in most of the mirrors this week and one person seems to check their hair an awful lot!"

"That would be Lady Zhen," said Dian Wei.

"No no no! I'm on about General Zhang He. I didn't realise he was that vain!"

"Oh him!" The huge bodyguard laughed. "You can't get vainer than him!"

"I definitely agree! Now back to your problem… why do you think it's so bad?"

"I feel as if I've lost a huge part of me. The part that makes me feel like a man…"

"Dian Wei my dear friend, you're as manly as they get! The only purpose of hair is to keep you warm- there's no other purpose for it! If you miss it that much you could always look for an alternative to hair…"

"You mean like a wig?" asked Dian Wei as he stroked his fully bald head. "I suppose it will make me feel as if I have hair…"

"Exactly! And it will keep your head lovely and warm!"

Dian Wei thought for a moment, and then put the strands of hair in his pocket. "I think I'll make a wig! I've got nothing to lose… thanks Guo Jia!"

"My pleasure Dian Wei!" Jia said as Dian Wei sped off at his not so fast pace out of the corridor and outside. Jia sighed to himself in the mirror- if all the generals were worried about was their hair, what hope did they have with a much more serious crisis? Guo Jia was glad to be back- it looked as if Wei needed him, dead or alive…

"Tweet tweet!"

A small bird perched itself on top of Cao Ren's helmet as he meditated underneath a blossom tree. The sun reflected from the shiny metal and from the surface of the glistening pool. Ren hummed quietly to himself, enjoying the peace and well deserved break from fighting. He didn't believe in all of the war nonsense going on- all he wanted was to see peace restored, but if fighting was the only way to achieve it, then so be it.

"CAO REN!"

A huge booming voice was heard from behind, interrupting Ren's moment of relaxation. He tilted his head back slightly, watching as Dian Wei came storming over. Was he angry? It was hard to tell with a face as serious as his…

"Can I help you Dian Wei?" said Cao Ren quite calmly. Dian Wei lowered himself to the ground and sat down on the grass with a soft thud, causing the small bird on Ren's helmet to fly away in fear.

The larger man put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a few strands of hair- the last remnants of his pride. "I've lost all my hair- IT'S ALL GONE! I need you to help me!"

"Calm down Wei… so what you're bald? You're the still the man you were when you had a full head of hair. Just remember, material possessions mean nothing."

"But everyone else has hair! I feel so lost without it!"

Ren sighed. "It's really not as bad as you think… I mean, if you feel completely lost without it, why don't you think of an alternative to hair?"

"You mean like a wig?"

"Exactly!" Cao Ren unfolded his legs and stood up, stretching himself out from all the time he had spent in that same position. "I can help you make a wig, but you have to promise not to complain about your baldness. It's a hereditary condition, nothing you can do about it. As long as Cao Cao still has his bodyguard then- HEY!"

Before he could finish his sentence the small man found himself lifted from the ground by Dian Wei. He was helpless as he was held several feet above where he was before, and as Wei rushed back towards the castle Ren sighed. It was pure madness…

* * *

In a darkened room, with just a candle illuminating a large scroll, Sima Yi jotted down some ideas for his latest scheme. He needed to think of something good this time- he couldn't keep failing like this! He couldn't stand the humiliation any longer. He didn't want to be known as Cao Cao's 'lapdog' any more, but to be recognised as a man worthy in his own right. Constantly he was in Cao's shadow, doing all of the hard work while the Wei leader sat back and enjoyed wife after wife… Sima Yi knew it was making himself bitter and more conniving, but overthrowing the Caos and paving the way towards a new dynasty seemed like a very tempting idea. The Sima clan ruling Wei… it was a dream that the sneaky Wei strategist intended to make true.

"A few arrows here… and some there… behind the curtains… yes, yes!" He used a quill to draw out some complex diagrams in ink, drawing straight lines for the projected directions of his weapons. A quick and painful death should do nicely for Cao Cao…

"Now where did I put that fan of mine…?" After rolling up his scroll and tying it up with a blue ribbon he noticed that his fan, normally at his side like a loyal dog, was missing. "That's strange," he said to himself, standing up and looking around, "I swear I put it here…"

It couldn't be seen in his study anywhere, so he walked towards the exit door and stood outside, clutching his top secret plans. Sima Yi stalked the Wei castle corridor looking for his weapon of choice. Where could it be? He was far too used to holding it in his right hand, and it was as if his hand had moulded to the shape of the handle.

"See Guo Jia, I'm not so bald now…"

Who was that? Sima Yi could hear voices from around the corner, so he leant closely against a wall and poked his head around. It was someone who looked just like Dian Wei, except he had on top of his head was a strange black furry thing. Sima Yi looked closer… it WAS Dian Wei! And WHY was he holding the black fan?

"Dian WEI!" Sima Yi ran over and snatched the fan out of Wei's hand. "Why in heaven's name are you wearing… MY POOR BABY!" Immediately Sima Yi noticed the significant loss of feathers on his fan. It was bare, and only a few of the plump black feathers remained. It had been stripped, but why? He then looked at Dian Wei's home made wig. Feathers… black feathers…

"Like my new wig Sima?" Dian Wei pointed to his head, showing off his new 'hair'.

"Of course I do not like it! You've just ruined my fan! This is not a toy for you to play with- it is a weapon not a bird!" Sima Yi started fuming, waving the lighter fan around.

The apparition in the mirror chuckled. "You know Sima Yi, you haven't changed a bit!"

Sima Yi froze and looked at the mirror where the voice was coming from. "Guo Jia? What… why… how…?"

"Ah, don't look so worried!" Guo Jia smiled. "I'm just here to help! Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't be of any use."

"And I suppose you told HIM to pluck all of the feathers out of my fan? Look at it!" Sima Yi pointed with his scroll at the fan. "It's useless now! Your advice was useless when you were alive and even more useless when you're dead!"

Jia laughed again. "I believe you're very much wrong Sima. It wasn't I who suggested the feathers, but a certain Cao Ren…"

Sima Yi's face changed from its usual pale shade to an angry shade of red. "NOT ANOTHER CAO!" After giving an evil glare to Dian Wei (who was too busy adjusting his new head gear) and Guo Jia's ghost, he stormed off back in the direction he came from. Cao Ren would pay for this!

Jia sighed in his mirror. He thought he'd escaped the madness in Wei, but it seemed he was back for more…

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And there you have it! Review please as usual- it would be great to have some feedback on the first chapter! And good luck to all who have exams! I know... I have them too! Grrrrr!  
-TotallyNuts


	2. The Moon Goddess

**Disclaimer**- As before...

A/N- This chapter was mainly written by WindsOfEternity... go WOE:) As usual, enjoy!

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**Chapter 2: The Moon Goddess**

The night was dark, moonlight illuminating through the windowpane. Zhang He stood leaning onto his soft palms, staring at the moon. "Oh I wish I was a beautiful moon goddess..." He said, sighing. "Everyone could adore me as I danced around the moon every night..." He continued on, night dreaming of how he would attract so much people with his lively dance. "But again...I am only hopefully wishing...if only I can make it real!" The butterfly general said, using his incredible head to think and then pounded one hand onto the other in realization. "I got it! I can dance here for all the guys at midnight, like the moon goddess does!" With that, he ran out of his room in search for 'moon goddess' clothes.

Zhen Ji was sleeping soundly during that night, but was troubled with nightmares. She continuously heard someone say "Moon Goddess" throughout her dreams as Cao Pi became what she feared of; a woman. He no longer loved her, leaving her for Zhang Liao as she lay in her bed crying in tears. Upon waking up, Zhen Ji immediately searched for her husband and found that he was still at her bedside, one arm laid on top of her. She was so relieved that she showered him with fountains of kisses that woke up Cao Pi.

He noticed her watery eyes locked on his. "My wife, what is troubling you so much to be kissing me like this?"

Zhen Ji cried some more, as she tried to explain her dream. "You became... a woman...and left me for... Liao...in my dreams" She choked out. Cao Pi embraced her, patting her back.

"My wife, I would never do such a thing. 'Tis all but a dream. I will always love you, and you know that." He said with his most romantic voice and planted a kiss on Zhen Ji's forehead. She stopped crying and started giggling wildly. "Now go back to sleep, it is still too early in the morning." She obeyed and together the two couples slept in each other arms.

What they didn't notice at the time was that someone came in their room and barged through the stuff during the night, singing "Moon Goddess."

* * *

Cao Cao was sitting in his throne lazily, eating cherries. His First Wife massaged his legs as his Second Wife hand fed him. Third wife was trying to entertain him with a dance, but received a cherry to the face. "Boo! Can't you dance better than that?"

She didn't answer but ran out of his throne room bursting out in tears. Upon leaving, she ran into a scantily-dressed woman who looked remarkably familiar. The woman put her hands on Third Wife. "You shouldn't cry my dear! Lord Cao Cao was only trying to help you improve!" Third Wife ignored her words and ran away crying more. The mysterious woman shrugged. "Oh well, so much for trying to help..."

Cao Cao noticed the attractive woman at the doorstep. "My oh my, and who would you be?" He said, pushing his wives away and walking to the new woman.

The mysterious woman gave a graceful bow. "I am the moon goddess and I would like to request a performance at midnight. Please allow me to and invite everyone to watch."

Cao Cao circled around the woman twice, observing her features. He started to grope around her backside, which the woman didn't mind. "Very nice..." The Wei Lord said to himself. "Well, what about giving me a peek?"

All confusion ran through the minds of everyone in the room. A sneak peek of what? "My Lord, would you mind being clear of your desires? A sneak peak of what, may I ask?" The Moon Goddess asked with her sultry voice. Cao Cao gulped, realizing what he said just a moment ago. If Fourth Wife heard what he said, she would be very angry and won't allow him to bed with her for the night.

"Err... I mean a sneak peek of your performance!" Cao Cao clarified and jumped back to his throne. First and Second Wife continued to emperorize him. "Dance for me." He said coolly as Second Wife popped a cherry in his mouth which got stuck in his throat. Cao Cao coughed incessantly hoping that it'll come out, but it all failed.

All of a sudden, an arrow came flying out of nowhere towards Cao Cao. He dodged unknowingly as he drank water to gulp the cherry down his system. The poisonous arrow landed on First Wife's face, and she began to bleed profusingly. Second Wife noticed First Wife dying. "Oh my god, someone killed First Wife!"

Cao Cao turned around, noticing his first love dying in front of his eyes. "That bastard!" He said carelessly, and returned his eyes back to the Moon Goddess when he no longer choked. First Wife's body was taken away by Dian Wei, who came the instant her body fell onto Cao Cao's robe.

"No one shall dirty my Lord's robe like that." He said, dragging First Wife's corpse and tossing it into the garden pond.

Outside of the throne room, Sima Yi burst into a rage fit. "God dammit, I have failed once again!" He said, realizing that Cao Cao wasn't killed by that arrow and left to his room to strategize a new scheme.

Back to Cao Cao...he ordered the Moon Goddess to dance. Alluringly she began to twirl and dance around like what Cao Cao would call an angel from heaven. When the dance ended, Cao Cao clapped so loud that drew out all the generals to come see what was going on.

Zhang Liao couldn't tear his eyes away from the new beauty standing at the center of the floor. Xu Zhu was excited that a new female general was in Wei, and hoped that she can cook as well as he can, so he can have a companion at the kitchen. Xiahou Dun growled, he didn't like women, and prayed she was nothing like Zhen Ji. Xu Huang drooled at the corner of his lips, which was wiped away by Xiahou Yuan as he shook his head. Sima Yi just came in the room because he noticed every one of them did. Dian Wei stood right at Cao Cao's side, making sure none of them put their dirty fingers on him. Cao Ren and Pang De went to check what happened and pretended to focus all attention on the woman also. From a random mirror in the room, Guo Jia's spirit reflected from the glass with hearts forming in his eyes. Zhen Ji and Cao Pi came in with their hair messed up and faces unwashed. Her eyes were wide open in shock when she saw what the mysterious woman was wearing.

"Hey, that's my dress!" Zhen Ji exclaimed and attempted to yank it off from her body.

The Moon Goddess squeaked and kicked Zhen Ji across the room, hugging the dress on her. "No way, this is my dress!" She said, running behind Cao Cao. "Please Lord Cao Cao, tell that mad woman to stop tearing my dress off!"

Cao Cao pointed at Zhen Ji, which resulted in Dian Wei marching off to her. He picked up her light body and carried her off to the garden. Cao Pi ran after his wife and Dian Wei, wondering what the Coming Evil was going to do. With one toss, Zhen Ji was sent flying straight into the garden pond where First Wife's corpse floated. "Eek!" She screamed, hastily swimming back to the grass.

Cao Pi pulled Dian Wei clothes, attempting to make the man turn his face to him. "Why the heck you do that to my wife, you overgrown idiot?" Cao Pi didn't get a response but was tossed into the pond as well. Once again, First Wife's unattractive face rose to the surface. "Oh holy mother of God..." He said frantically, hastily swimming away.

Meanwhile back at the throne room, Cao Cao had agreed upon the Moon Goddess performing at midnight. She bowed incessantly, kissing his shoe as he gave a big hearty laugh. "Thank you very much, my handsome lord!" She said and scurried away to her room. Taking off her costume, she undergoes a sex transformation.

"Hee hee hee..." Zhang He laughed as he looked at Zhen Ji's outfit, excited of the coming event.

* * *

The Wei generals all sat down in the moonlight garden anticipating the arrival of the Moon Goddess. The moon was full and was shining down onto the pond making it glisten. The stars were twinkling in the night sky and someone was getting impatient…

"When is she going to be here?" Cao Cao moaned as he was on the receiving end of a back massage by Second Wife. He was tense because he couldn't wait for the promised performance. This Moon Goddess was so beautiful- even more beautiful than all of his wives put together! Her beauty was enchanting and Cao had fallen under her spell.

"Yeah, we can't wait!" Xu Huang said impatiently. "We want our performance now!"

"We want to see the pretty lady!" said Xu Zhu who was eating a meat bun.

Zhen Ji however was not as excited as the others. Of course she was the only female there, and also she was still reeling over the day's events. She had not planned on being thrown into the pond… She just stood next to her husband glaring evilly at Dian Wei. Her stares were giving Sima Yi a run for his money!

Just as the generals were moaning about the wait a shot of bright silver zoomed past their faces. They blinked a couple of times and when they had refocused their visions they saw, standing in front of them, none other than the Moon Goddess herself, standing beneath the moon. The men clapped and cheered- Zhen Ji looked in horror. It was another of her dresses, but she didn't say anything as she didn't want to get wet again.

"Good evening my Lords," she said, bowing down to them. She then turned to Zhen Ji. "And my Lady." She bowed again. "I promised you a performance I believe…"

The generals nodded, a few of them already drooling at the sight of the beautiful goddess. They all leaned forward in their seats waiting…

"Is everyone ready?" she asked as she stood up straight. She smiled when all of the generals nodded eagerly. She nodded to some musicians hiding behind some bushes, and some flutes started to play.

As the music played, the Moon Goddess twirled around, the gentle breeze of the wind flowing through some of her loose long black hair. The pretty pale blue dress glided as its owner expressed her face of bliss. However, that wonderful moment for the guys was ruined by the catty Zhen Ji.

"Give me back my damn dress!" She demanded as she ran out of her seat to snatch it. The Moon Goddess possessively covered herself up from being dress robbed. Yet this time, Zhen Ji was very persistent in getting her lovely blue gown back, and succeeded. The Moon Goddess was now revealed of her true identity...

"Oh my, all this time I've been fantasizing about that queer?" Cao Cao said as dropped his wine cup. Dian Wei was seen banging his head on the wall for thinking dirty thoughts and Cao Pi actually jumped into that pond in the garden for having images of him and Moon Goddess in bed together.

Xu Zhu came to Zhang He's side. "That was a good show you put up!" He said and patted his friend hard on the back. Zhang He managed a smirk even after the awkward moment. Everyone present was there looked at the Butterfly General as if they are waiting for some explanation.

Zhang He knew he had to explain himself. "I've always wanted to perform for you all...but Lord Cao Cao would never let me, because I am male. That's why I decided to become the Moon Goddess...I apologize for doing this."

Cao Cao sighed and excused the general to his room. Zhang He left without looking at anyone but straight ahead of him. While he was passing by the hallway though, Guo Jia still had hearts in his eyes!


	3. Pork Bun Vender

A/N- WoE's next chapter! The next one will be done by little old me :)

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**Chapter 3: Pork Bun Vender**

It was a typical sunny day, the sunlight emitting the hottest heat rays during the summer. Xu Zhu was in the palace kitchen, making his favorite pork bun as Zhang He continuously wiped the sweat pouring from Xu Zhu's forehead. Minute by minute, pork buns rapidly piled up in the pan, ready to be eaten.

Zhang He eagerly watched the Pork Bun master in action. "My, what are you going to do with all those buns?" He asked curiously, popping up in front of Xu Zhu's face. Xu Zhu brought out an abacus and rose it up into the air.

"I am going to be a Pork Bun Vender!" He said excitedly. With the last pork bun made, the obese general carried his pan out of the kitchen and into the street. Zhang He amusingly followed him, helping the general set up his table at the free market.

An hour later, all preparations were done. "Well Xu Zhu, I have other things to do, so I'll see you around." Zhang He said, waving farewell to the Tiger General, who returned the gesture tenfolds better. With that, Zhang He returned to the palace, walking sexily as men gawked at him.

"Oh my god, who is that woman? She is so beautiful..." A random young man spoke out loud. His companion slapped him on the head.

"You stupid moron! That's General Zhang He!" He screamed at the random man. Ten feet away from them, a buff butcher laughed at the two.

"He wouldn't mind if ya're interested in him. Go and give him a try." The butcher winked and the random man began to follow Zhang He, but didn't get as far through the palace doors.

Dian Wei folded his arms, towering over the meek young man. "State your business." He said, cold face glaring at the man. The random man's legs were now trembling in fear. To save embarrassment, his friend yanked him away from the palace gates, and they are never to be seen in the story again.

In the meantime, Xu Zhu had his first customer. With a dorky smile, Xu Zhu greeted the person. It was Pang De. "Hello my friend. Would you like to buy a pork bun from me?" Pang De picked up a pork bun from the pot, observing it at all angles. He took a big sniff at it, making sure the thing wasn't poisoned.

"Smells delicious my oversized friend. I would like to buy three for Cao Ren, Zhang Liao and myself." He said, taking another pork bun out and giving Xu Zhu 300 Gold coins. "Thanks." The helmeted general walked off, juggling the pork bun in his hand.

Xu Zhu stared at the gold on his pudgy big hands. He had never seen so much shiny coins in his hands..."Ooh...purty.." The Wei general said obsessively, attracting another person to come by his stand. It was Sima Yi, and he wasn't looking too happy. Seems like he got a bad case of PMS or something.

"Xu Zhu!" The Wei strategist screamed into his face. "What are YOU doing out here selling pork buns when you should be in the palace training for the upcoming battles?" Randomly, he grabbed a pork bun without asking, taking a graceful bite out of it. His angry face suddenly brighten up like a light bulb. "Xu Zhu...did you make this wonderful piece of shit?" Sima continued to eat, but more ravenously.

"Yes, Mr. Strategist sir!" The chubby man answered, hands raised up. Sima Yi stopped eating after putting five pork buns in his stomach. He came to Xu Zhu's side, waving his fan like Zhuge Liang.

"My friend, you and I got pork bun business to discuss." He said and attempted to drag him to the side to prevent anyone from listening to his magnificent scheme. Before he could even do that though, Xu Zhu pulled him back to his abacus.

"That'll be 100 Gold for eating five of my pork buns, Mr. Sima Yi." Xu Zhu said happily, opening his hands out for the gold. Sima Yi angrily gave the man 100 Gold and pulled him once again to the side to discuss pork bun matters.

* * *

In the meantime, at Pang De's room...

Pang De handed the pork buns to Zhang Liao and Cao Ren. Both of them gulped before taking a bite. Upon that first bite, the two generals looked at each other in awe of the magnificence taste of the pork bun. "Where did you bought this, my friend?" Zhang Liao asked Pang De.

"I walked by Xu Zhu's stand and noticed he had no customers. So I went to check it out." Pang De answered his friend. As Zhang Liao and Pang De was talking, Cao Ren attempted to steal the remains of Zhang Liao's pork bun, but received a slap on his hand. "Cao Ren, Xu Zhu has tons of them at his place. You don't have to resort to such inappropriate behavior."

Cao Ren made a sad puppy face and walked to Xu Zhu's pork bun stand. Upon arrival, a crowd of people were hustling to buy at the stand. Cao Ren tackled through the horde of people preventing him from getting a delicious pork bun. After five minutes of pushing, shoving, throwing, kicking and beating, the customers were on the ground with lumps and bruises all over their body. Only Cao Ren prevailed. "Pork bun please, Xu Zhu." He said, but noticed there was no more in the pot.

"I'm terribly sorry Mr. Cao Ren, but you'll have to come tomorrow." Xu Zhu said cheerily as he put up a closed sign. With his abacus, bags of gold, pot and stalking Sima Yi, he walked back to the palace. Cao Ren was now on the floor, crying with his hands raised to the sky, "NOOOO!" The birds were disturbed by his voice and scattered away from the tree nearby. A birdling bombed right on top of his head. "Aww..poop!" He said in defeat, and walked back to the Wei palace with a gloomy face.

When Cao Ren returned, Zhang Liao and Pang De rushed to him, eagerly searching him for pork buns, but only found his load of gold and the poop on his head. Liao tasted it to see if it was sugar cream but spitted the remainings at Cao Ren after licking it. "What the heck is that crap on your head?" With curiousity, Pang De followed his friend's example and was about to lick the white stuff using his fingers but Zhang Liao slapped his hand away from his mouth. "Don't eat. It's nasty. So, where's the pork buns?"

Cao Ren could only say two words. "Ran out."

Liao and Pang De were bummed out, but that didn't stop them from thinking of ideas. "Let's go tell Xu Zhu to make some especially for us!" Zhang Liao suggested. He was the brains out of all of the three.

Cao Ren beamed with happiness, realizing he may still have a chance to eat more yummy pork buns. "Liao, you're a genius!" And together, the trio walked all around the palace to find Xu Zhu. He was no where to be found in his room, nor the kitchen or the dining room. With fatigue, Cao Ren collapsed to the floor before the other two. "...Where..can he..be?"

A second later, Pang De fell to the floor as well. "...I..don't know..but ..I'm dead..tired.." And gave up the chase. Only Zhang Liao was up and he was still determined to get more pork buns.

"Weaklings...I'll go find him myself." He said, continuing ahead as he left his fellow generals on the floor. Walking down the little passageway, the voice from a mirror stopped him. It was the ghost of Guo Jia, here to haunt the Wei generals again. "What do you want, ghost?"

With a sly look, the pale ghost responded in an annoying tone. "Nothing..."

Zhang Liao was about to break the mirror for sidetracking him from his pork bun quest, but decided that Guo Jia probably knew where Xu Zhu went. "Hey ex-strategist, do you know where Xu Zhu went?"

The ghost smiled. "You have to ask me in the proper way..." He reminded the Wei general, which almost caused his fist to strike upon the glass. But Zhang Liao knew that if he cope with the ghost, he'd probably get his reward.

"...Mirror mirror on the wall, where is Xu Zhu the Tiger General?"

Guo Jia answered in a creepy voice. "He is where you do not expect him at all..." With that, his ghastly form disappeared from the silver mirror, which Zhang Liao broke a second later. What kind of a clue is that? Xu Zhu could be anywhere!..The general said to himself.

And that day continued on with Zhang Liao searching for Xu Zhu the pork bun man...

* * *

Inside of Xu Zhu's secret room, Sima Yi was pushing a bundle of gold to the Pork Bun Vender. "I'll hire you as my chef for 10000 Gold. That is a lot of money, do you know that? So what do you say?"

Xu Zhu's eyes were switching from the Gold to his pork bun...The money was tempting, but his pork buns were saying something to him...something like 'Don't trust Mr.Sima 'cuz he will use you silly.' "No thank you Mr. Sima Yi," Xu Zhu said, taking the advice of his pork bun. "I don't want to be working for someone else than Mr. Cao Cao."

Sima Yi exhaled a large breath to cover up the anger in his voice. "If you say so my flubbery friend. However you are going to regret losing big money from rejecting my proposal." The strategist said and fanned himself as he walked out of the room. Xu Zhu was lost. How was he going to lose money from rejecting Sima Yi's plan? Before he could even think of anything else, Zhang Liao came barging in.

"So you were in your room, but in the secret compartment!" Liao exclaimed and he gripped onto the collar of Xu Zhu's vest. "You know how long it took Cao Ren, Pang De and I to find your fat ass?" The angry general asked.

Xu Zhu wiggled his pudgy finger. "No Zhang Liao, you mean 'you know how long it took me to find your fat ass?'" The pork bun man corrected.

Zhang Liao growled. "Whatever! Now give us some pork buns! You made Pang De and Cao Ren crazy with those things!" With that, Xu Zhu easily handed Liao ten pork buns. He didn't want to face the wrath of the crazy tiger general who valiantly fought in the Battle of He Fei. "Thanks, piggy. Now I must return to my friends!"

"Hey! My name is Xu Zhu, not piggy!" The general said as he stuck out his tongue at the departing man. "Hmm...I wonder what should I do right now..." He said to himself as he propped his hand on the table to support his double chin. Finally after an hour of thinking, Xu Zhu came up with an idea. "I should start stocking up more pork buns to sell for the morrow! I think I'll get General Zhang He to help me!" He said and skipped happily to Zhang He's room.

When Zhang He heard the loud trembling steps from outside, he assumed it was either Xu Zhu, Dian Wei or a very drunk Cao Ren. He was in the middle of taking down his hair to go to bed. "By the gods, lighten your steps a bit will you! Keep this up and everyone will think a rockslide is happening nearby!" The butterfly general hissed. From the other side of the door, Xu Zhu could be heard apologizing for his fault. Noticing his cooking friend's voice, Zhang He's tone changed. "Oh it's only you Pork Bun Master! Please enter the room. How may I help you?"

Xu Zhu anxiously entered the room. "Well...can you help me make pork buns to sell tomorrow?"

Zhang He's eyes widen. "This late? Don't you think they will go bad by tomorrow?"

"Not if I put it in my super duper cooking pan that Mr. Cao Cao presented me for my birthday!" Xu Zhu said and held Zhang He's hand, taking him to the kitchen. During the trip, Zhang He was trying to pry himself off of Xu Zhu, repetitively whining that he need his beauty rest. "Oh come on, a little bit of hours taken from your rest is not that bad!"

"Yes it is! I get horrible looking bags under my beautiful violet eyes!" Zhang He lamented. "If that happens, Lord Sima Yi will never look at me!"

Xu Zhu laughed mentally. He knew that Lord Sima Yi never eyed Zhang He with interest in the first place, but the pork bun man didn't want to say anything mean. "I'm sure other people will look at you!" Xu Zhu responded. Zhang He growled, gave up the verbal battle and agreed upon helping Xu Zhu make pork buns for tomorrow's sale. "Oh yeah," The Pork Bun Master said to break the silence as the buns were cooking, "Can you participate in tomorrow's sale so Mr. Sima Yi won't bother me with his evil crafty plans?"

Zhang He beamed. "With pleasure! I'll be your life-size Sima Yi repellent!" After hearing those words, Xu Zhu jumped with joy. No more Mr. Sima Yi to threaten him!

* * *

Sadly when the two men checked the pork buns in the morning, only a crumb was found on the stove. Xu Zhu fell on the floor, rolling on the tiles as he cried like a baby as Zhang He tried to consolidate the obese man. "It must be Sima Yi who took our pork buns!" Zhang He jumped to conclusions. "He wanted to make profit from your amazing food! But have no fear my dear Pork Bun Master, I'll get that hot piece of hunk for you!" With that, Zhang He musoued his way down the halls and through Sima Yi's walls.

Sima Yi, who heard the sound of his walls being broken through, woke up startled. "Who the hell dares disturb my peaceful slumber?" He demanded. However when he saw Zhang He, his whole body went hiding in the covers. "Eek! Get away from me, you queer!"

Zhang He leaped onto Sima Yi's bed and tried yanking the covers off him. "If you give me back Xu Zhu's porkbuns, then I won't pester you no more!" He continued to pull and was secretly thinking of tying the strategist onto his bed for interrogation.

"What are you talking about! Xu Zhu never gave me his pork buns to begin with!" Sima Yi yelled at the Butterfly General's ears. "You don't even have proof to prove that I'm guilty!"

When Sima Yi's head popped out of the blankets, Zhang He slickly planted a kiss on the man's forehead. "Okay, I love you, bye bye!" And ran off to tell Xu Zhu of the news. In the meantime, Sima Yi was pondering about the thievery.

"Who else would steal Xu Zhu's pork buns for the exception of myself?" He thought aloud. Grabbing his oddly looking spectacle and personalized book, Sima Yi set out himself to find clues of the missing pork buns.

During the first hour of searching, Sima Yi encountered the previous strategist of Wei who had died but his spirit lived in a mirror. "Hey, Guo Jia!" Sima yelled into the mirror. The pale apparition raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, yeah..I know I don't usually speak to you, but have you seen anyone carry a ton loads of pork buns?"

"Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell your ugly face." The ghost replied and disappeared. Before Guo Jia left to find more clues, he spat at the mirror and soaked it with urine. That'll teach that man a lesson!

Unluckily, Cao Pi and Zhen Ji walked down that same hall with the mirror that Sima Yi peed on. "Holy mother of God!" Zhen Ji whined and pinched in her nose. "Who is so barbaric to do such things?" She asked her husband.

"It must be that Dian Wei! He threw us in the lake like stray dogs that other time!" Cao Pi told his wife. "Let's go teach that uncivilized man a lesson!" Together, the two couples left in search for Dian Wei, whom they found easily at the front gate. "Baldy, stop marking your territory in the palace!" Cao Pi commanded. Dian Wei rolled his eyes as he picked up the both of them and threw them into the streets.

"No one shall cause disruption at the palace gates." Dian Wei stated like a robot.

Now we will go back to Sima Yi's clue searching. The ambitious man finally found a trail of pork buns that might lead to clues. "I bet to myself that the thief is that stupid Cao Cao!" Sima said to himself. But the trail of buns led to a place he didn't expected. In the room of the bad ass one-eyed general Xiahou Dun.

Praying to himself before entering, Sima Yi cautiously went inside the room before knocking and was nearly cut down to size. The general had his sword in hand, stancing in a defensive position. Sima Yi gulped. "You're not going to kill me to keep your secret low, are you?" The tactician said, trying to hint the general that he knew of his heinous deed.

"What are you talking about? Do you know something I don't know?" The one-eyed general inquired.

Sima Yi thought the man was playing dumb. "How do you explain the trail of pork buns leading to your room?"

"Those? Lord Cao Cao rewarded them to me." The general said honestly. "Truly, I don't have a taste for such plain food. It tastes like a bunch of crap to me. You can have it if you want!" He said, pushing the pot to the strategist.

Sima Yi took the pot and left to Xu Zhu. Even though he wanted to make a profit out of the big man's delicious food, he didn't have the heart to do it at the moment. "I guess I'll do it another day." So Sima Yi returned the pork buns to Xu Zhu. However, he regretted doing that...since Zhang He rewarded him with a kiss to the lips!


End file.
